Since Vivienne was born and the chaos of owning and managing several small rugrats has made itself known, I have been through a personal journey of many steps. I was already feeling overwhelmed with Todd the two year old and Peter the 17 month old. I didn’t know how I was going to make it with three. As taking care of the three of them over time became more and more complex as they all grew, I was faced with many emotions. Mostly stress and wanting to escape for the most part. Often, very often, I asked God why he was putting me through this. Kyle and I had a plan when we got married. We would have our children about two years apart. Starting about a year or so after we got married. It worked out rather differently, when Kyle and I had honestly tried to do everything right.
I kept reading that children were blessings. I saw other women struggle with infertility and miscarriages and feel guilty over my ease at becoming pregnant when that’s all we were trying to avoid. It’s not that I didn’t love my children. It’s not that I wasn’t fully committed to them heart and soul and body. It’s not that I would have changed anything about them, or wanted any of them gone. I just could not see why God was doing this to us. It was hard. It was really hard, harder than anything I’d ever done. Some weeks all I wanted to do was escape. I felt like we weren’t ready for all this parenthood so soon in our lives, all the decisions and stress and work. I felt like we were scaring away all the young people, especially newlyweds, from ever having or wanting children.
Over time God has shown me things. I am still learning, but I’ve come a long way in the last couple months.
Part of it is really due to Vivienne. After reading a lot about attachment parenting stuff online during my pregnancy, I’d decided I was going to do things differently with Viv. Instead of aiming for the most convenient and independent child as soon as possible, I was going to put on a different mindset. I was going to enjoy and baby my baby. I was going to hold her as much as she wanted. I was going to feed her whenever she told me she was hungry. I was going to follow my heart with my children, as well as the Bible. I believed that God gave me good gifts as a mother and I could do this. I believed God gave excellent examples of his parenting of his children and he was the best teacher.
So with Viv, that turned out looking rather different than what life had been before her. I really sought to make connections, not just with my newborn, but with my older sons. Just as God knows our hearts and minds, I have been trying to get to know all of my children as people, and parent them with wisdom from the Bible and knowledge of what I knew of them. It was ridiculously hard at times. God is amazingly consistent and that’s where our trust in him is so richly rewarded. However, as a parent, consistency in love and discipline has proved to be a huge challenge.
Now that Viv is a year and a half, there has been amazing fruition of my different parenting style since I was born. I have a no less than magnificent connection with my daughter. Part of it is due to her sweet and communicative nature, but I know part of it is that she trusts me as her mother, because I have been there for her in the capacity she needs since day one. I have sought to love and know her. It’s really not too different than how I got to know my husband, or my friends in my life, or even God when I first came to love him. However, because I am her mother, and I have that responsibility over her, the depth of the relationship is rich and meaningful.
And Vivienne has it strongest, party because of personality, but partly because I was seeking connection with her since she was born. With Todd and Peter I didn’t have that deep a veiw of parenting, and was mostly seeking to keep them alive and help them get able to do their own stuff quickly so I could have an easier life. Of course, I loved them, but I didn’t know how rich love could be with them. Since I’ve started making more of a connection with them there’s been a lot of growth there.
Todd has a very different personality than me, and connecting with him has always been more challenging. So seeking to know him better has helped me understand him and how he desires to be loved and understood. Todd is a fascinating, unique boy and I’ve learned that he has magnificent potential in life because of that. It helps so much being able to talk with him and hear what is on his mind, what’s important to him, and what he is concerned about. Starting preschool was a big step for both of us, me letting him out of the home to be with other children and different caretakers for a large part of the day. But he has blossomed in the environment, met challenges and tackled many new and exciting things. He’s getting exposed to many things and doing fabulously.
Peter is in a tough transition time of life, the twos and threes, where discipline is learned the hard way and his personality is emerging and he’s learning more how to communicate. But he is full of delightful surprises as well. Peter’s expressive and passionate personality is very interesting! Dealing with his stubborn nature has taught both of us a lot. Now at the end of his third year of life, he is gaining confidence in himself and his talents.
So now we are all working on gaining trust in each other as a family. When we trust each other more, we understand each other more and feel safer expressing and seeking love. My children are so sweet to one another and to me. We have our stubborn and cranky times, but there is more sunshine than rain. And it’s never easy. But I’m not afraid anymore. God has taught me so much about his nature, I know I can trust him as my parent, to love me so that I can love my kids.
Now that #4 is on the way, I have a completely different mindset than when I found out I was pregnant with Vivienne. I know it’s going to be more work and more stress, but I know what I’m doing now. I’m certain this child will have their own challenges. I honestly have no idea what the next couple years will look like. But I do know how to start. I am going to hold my baby as much as possible. I am going to feed the baby when he or she tells me they are hungry. I am going to seek to know this child from day one, and encourage the rest of my children to do the same. Easy, no. Simple, yes. The human heart is wonderful at loving when powered by the Spirit of the perfect loving God.
So why did God give me four children in five years? Because I have a lot to learn about love that could only be taught to me by being the main caretaker of four small and very demanding kids that never go away. God needed me to depend on him, and I wasn’t going to do that when life was easy. But I think more importantly, God wanted to show me how rich love can be. I learned a lot from becoming a Christian and seeking to know him. I learned a lot from connecting from friends and family after becoming a Christian. I learned a whole lot more when getting married and becoming one with my husband. But I have learned more in the past four and a half years than all of that put together. And I know parenting learning continues as long as you are a parent.
I also trust that since God gave me these children, he knew ahead of time what their personalities and individual challenges would be. He knows the family history ahead of us, what we will face as a family as well. And I believe we are all together because we need each other, each one of us having a vital part that will help us all out and teach one another. As the mother I have a very central role. It’s a job only I can do, and that’s why these are my children.
My children are blessings. They are little fountains of love that spurt with a beautiful color untainted by maturity and disillusionment. They are beautiful, talented, sweet, and wonderful, each one in their own way. To see them loving each other is a joy richer than I could ever express. And I get to see more of that than anyone else. It’s better than winning the lottery, or getting a doctorate, or starring in a movie, or many other human celebrated accomplishments. When they are older, all in school and busier, I will miss these days at home with my little sweeties. I know they will mature in lovely ways, but the exuberance of toddler love is a unique experience.
There is more to the “Why?” than that. But I’m still learning. My children are no less of a responsibility than before. But the joy has grown in richness. Only God could take what would have driven me insane and made it a source of abundant blessing in my life.
